Who was I to you?

 It's been almost 6 years now since my discovery. Six years of no closure...no answers...no apologies.

He has moved on...as have I. He has a partner. The kids are okay with it...even more, have embraced it. There was a picture of the happy couple at my son's house. He and him. When I saw it...quite by accident...I had a true trauma response. Triggered to the point of almost paralysis. Why????

 After 6 years of knowing in my head the truth, my heart still struggles to believe the reality that he is not the person I thought he was. He is a stranger to me. 

Which leads me to the haunting question that I would ask him were I given an audience. 

Who was I to you???

Was I just the young, pretty thing that you felt proud to have on your arm when you used the symphony tickets that the Weiner's gave you? You told me once how good it made you feel to have me by your side at functions. Was I just your arm candy to prove that you could attract a woman?

Was I your ticket to 'normalcy'? You only pursued me when you saw me walk away and move past you. Was I what you thought might be your last chance at having a wife and a family? Were you afraid that you wouldn't find another willing victim who would worship the ground you walked on like I did in the beginning, and overlook your silence and the aloofness? 

Was I the one that kept the silent questions of all those Baptist friends and family at bay? I was the proof that their suppositions were wrong. I was the reason that they shut down those doubts and surmised that you were just 'artsy and creative'. Was I just your cover?

Was I just your baby carriage? The one that would carry your children in my body for nine months, hand them over to you again and again...not feeling worthy enough to be their mother...always believing that you were a better mother and father to them than I. The one who on the day your secret came out, sent them to you to comfort you and make you feel okay about what happened, believing you needed them more than me.

Was I just your bridge to having friends and a social life? The one who planned dinner parties and holidays and built relationships that you pretended to enjoy for years, just to turn your back on them when you were discovered. You told the kids that your friends and church kicked you to the curb, but we all know the truth that you were the one doing the kicking. Once they knew the truth, you had no use for them.

Was I your whipping boy? The one you hated and resented and who gave you justification for the double life you chose to live. Did I make you feel more superior intellectually and financially? Did you enjoy setting you and your family above me and mine? Did it make you feel good to know that you could do whatever you wanted and I would believe you? Did you feel a surge of power when you would have your trysts and come home and know I was stupidly devoted to you?

Was I your scapegoat for the divorce? As long as your parents believed the narrative that I was the bitch who drove you to 'messing up' while you were in NYC, they don't have to answer what must be the nagging question in their mind that they won't allow themselves to ask. They don't have to know that you knew long before I came along, that no woman could give you what you wanted. They can continue to believe that their precious son is practically perfect in every way. 

Was I just your cheerleader and PR person? The one who bragged to everyone about your artistic and musical abilities. Who sold your art and encouraged you to do more and made sure you had time to go to galleries and encouraged weekends away with friends. The one who not only celebrated Father's Day, but also gave you 'daddy appreciation days' with kids who worshipped you at their mother's bidding. 

I was nothing to you, which is why it was so easy for you to walk away with not even a backward glance at the wreckage you left behind. I was of no value to you once you had been found out for who you really are.  Once you realized that I actually had some self respect and dignity and was not willing to be used by you anymore, you blamed me for the whole mess and walked out the door.  

What a foolish, foolish man you are...and cruel...so cruel. That's who you are. A user who will continue to use those who are willing to get sucked into your vortex of lies...those who will invest in your portfolio of deception, believing they will get a payout one day only to find that it is a fraud. I for one, am happy to now know the truth.