Wow...can't believe it's been so long since I've posted anything! Truth of the matter is that I haven't had a lot of white space in my life to think, create, write or just be. As I was thinking about just 'being', I realized that so many times I don't know how to 'be'...which started me down the path of the topic of this post. (Don't you love it when I share how these random thought processes become a blog?)
Hang with me here...I think I'm going to make a point...eventually!
One of the tapes that plays in my mind quite often are the voices of parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts or other adults who made up the village that raised me, saying things like "you need to act right" or "you just don't know how to act in public" or "quit acting like that" or my personal favorite "why don't you act like a normal human being". See, I was always a little different from my family. Most of you who know me, know that I can sometimes be a little 'out there' and I don't often shy away from being in the limelight. I'm not shy and I enjoy being the center of attention...making it on the jumbo tron or singing karaoke or making a fool of myself on stage (much to the dismay of my husband and children now!). My family didn't approve. They would say things like "Who do you think you are?" The truth of the matter was, I didn't know who I was...I was too busy trying to 'act right'.
I recently realized, that I have spent most of my life trying to learn how to act...like everyone wanted me to. Problem is that when you act, you are playing a part...being someone else...putting on another character. When you act, you are not being yourself. You are not living your authentic life. You are not BEING...you are ACTING. Shakespeare wrote, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts". I have lived my life assessing situations and trying to figure out what part I am supposed to play in that moment and what I should 'act like' so that I will be accepted and make everyone happy. I've learned that I've gotten pretty good at acting right. I can go to a fancy event without embarrassing myself too much. (Although some might disagree!) I can feel right at home at the symphony and I can be just as comfortable with my redneck relatives in their mobile home in the middle of nowhere without acting too uppity. Acting properly in different situations has become second nature to me.
I was reading about Mary in the Bible...the Mary that washed Jesus' feet with her expensive perfume. I wondered how many times people had tried to teach her how to 'act' in public. She WAS a sinner after all. She probably hadn't been raised in the 'right crowds' and probably didn't know how to conduct herself in the presence of someone as important as Jesus. Hadn't anyone told her that He was the Son of God and she didn't have the right to be that close to him? How embarrassing it must have been for everyone around when she not only showed up, but came in with that perfume that she probably got from doing something that people don't talk about in proper circles. Imagine what it must have been like to see her break it open and pour it all over his feet like that...and try to wash his feet with her hair! I'm sure there were some eyes rolling and whispers and people telling her to get up and act right. But what I love is that Mary didn't 'act right' for anyone. She was too busy 'being'. She was who she was. She loved, she worshipped, she gave lavishly, she wept. She lived life in the moment caring more about what HE thought about her than what everyone else thought about her.
I am finding that I am most fulfilled, most at peace, most joyful, most authentic, when I am just BEING who God created me to be instead of focusing on how I am supposed to 'act'. I wonder if the fear for all of us is that if we just 'be' no one will like who we are. Most people like the actor because the part is played to fit their scene. I have a few friends who I feel like really live authentic lives. They might be Democrats...even though they are in Evangelical churches. They might not believe that all gay people are going to hell. They might wear crocs out to the grocery store with old torn sweatpants in South Charlotte...or South Beach! They might even break open a bottle of expensive champagne to celebrate the salvation of a sinner...'cause the truth is, they really don't care about what you think about how they act. I'm jealous of them.
I think though, that I'm growing weary of acting. I'm beginning to care less about what people think about how I act. I haven't won any Oscars for it and it's not serving the purpose that it used to. I think I might even be beginning to like who I am. (wow, did I just say that???) I want to be authentic. After 48 years, I think it's time for me to figure out who I am. It might take the rest of my life, but the journey begins here. I think I'll start by buying some crocs...they look comfy.
