This morning, as I sit alone with my Maker and strain my ears to hear his voice, He speaks to me the familiar words from John 11,
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I could almost type them from memory because I have heard and read those words so many times in my life, but this morning, I see them expand on the page. I see them clearer than ever before because I am weary and burdened.
As a child, I don't have a clear memory of ever feeling like there was a soft place to land...a waiting lap with arms to wrap around me...to hold my small, heaving body as sobs turn to whimpers to rest. I long for a place to land with my broken heart...a safe place where there is no criticism for what I did to deserve this broken heart or pride in the heart of the one holding my heart, telling me why they would have never done what I did, reacted the way I reacted or felt the way I feel. I hear my Maker say, "Come to me. Sit in my lap. Cry until there are no more tears...I hold them all." I am irresistibly drawn by his gracious invitation and He gently listens as I tell him how much it hurts...how deep this unmet longing is and how much I fear that I will never find my way out of the darkness. There is no judgment as He knows how it feels to be betrayed.
He invites me to sit a while and rest...don't jump up and get on with the demands of the day...just rest. Not just physically rest, but spiritually rest. He invites my soul to rest from guilt for not having done it all perfectly...rest from fretting about doing it perfectly from here on out. He asks me to rest from my self-righteousness and the feeling that I have to prove that I belong to Him. I find rest in knowing that He is humble and gentle and isn't angry that I haven't learned my lesson yet. He gives me grace to cover my inadequacies.
My Maker tells me to learn from him by watching Him do it. He doesn't just expect me to instinctively know how to do all of this right...he gives me Himself...stories of how he lived life when he suffered injustice and heartbreak and betrayal. He tells me what He did when Judas and Peter and His chosen people betrayed him...as He looked to His Father and said, "Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing." He asks me to do the same and instead of demanding it, He invites me to allow him to do it through me when I don't have the strength or desire to do it on my own.
He sends His overwhelming love and mercy and grace and forgiveness for those who have done the breaking...the ones who I trusted and loved the most...the ones that I thought I had built my fortresses against so that they would never have access to my heart again. He gives me courage to tear down the wall and risk letting them hurt me again knowing that even if they do, there is a waiting lap to crawl back into. He gives me strength to be vulnerable, something that I have a hard time doing.
My Maker gives me one last squeeze, whispers how much he loves me, how proud he is of me and how much more I am beginning to look like him. I weep as I feel loved, treasured and adored. I feel his approval and I need no other approval right now. I am safe to go back into the world, confident that He is right where I left him and I can come and go freely. His yoke feels easy and the burden is much lighter because I left it in his lap.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
Chasing the Mirage
I have heard someone say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. In that case, hi - my name is Karen and I am insane.
I have been really struggling this week to wrap my brain around who my husband is. I believed that my husband was intrinsically good. That he was loving and kind and compassionate, faithful and honest...full of self control. I believed that if there were a problem in our marriage, it was probably my fault. I believed our lack of emotional intimacy was because I was unable to love or be loved. I thought I was just too needy and I needed to just be satisfied with what I had. That all turned out to be a lie. Not only was he not those things, he was making me feel like I was the crazy one.
I cannot tell you how hard it is to convince myself that he is not at all the person I thought him to be for 30 years. I know it now by factual evidence, but my heart and my soul are in complete denial. Over the past few weeks, I have been stunned by his coldness and callousness. I have been shocked that not once in 6 months has he asked how I was doing or if I'm okay...if I'm healing or hurting. He cannot bear to look at the decimation in my eyes or hear it in my voice. He cannot believe that he is the person who was capable of all of this. And, quite frankly, neither can I.
The thing that I am struggling with the most right now is that I keep giving him chances to show me he is not this uncaring man, but time and time again, that's exactly who shows up. I heard Dr. Phil once say, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". Why am I having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this? Why do I keep going back to the same dried up oasis expecting to find water to quench my thirst? I have come to realize that he does not have the capacity to even try to give me a drink of water to quench my thirst for compassion.
My counselor tells me that this longing...this thirst...is the best of me. It is a God given gift to desire love and beauty and wholeness and redemption. God is longing...all creation is longing...I am longing to see a softened heart and a glimpse of repentance. Instead, I get contempt, anger, retaliation. And yet, I go back...again and again expecting to find someone different, desperately holding out hope that the mirage of a godly man is really an oasis. There it is...insanity.
As hard as it is to let go of the mirage and make myself believe those things, it has to be better in the long run than holding on to the hope of thirst quenching drink from him only to be left with sand in my throat. I am going back to the age old truth that only Christ can give me living water from a well that never goes dry and if I fill myself up with him...allow him to truly quench my thirst...I will never thirst again. Does that mean that I will never long to have a man love me the way I expected my husband to? No. But, I will not look to another man to quench the thirst for love. I will try to recognize when I am trying to draw water from a well that is dry and turn to the one who placed inside of me a bubbling spring that I can drink from continuously.
Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”
John 4:13-14
I have been really struggling this week to wrap my brain around who my husband is. I believed that my husband was intrinsically good. That he was loving and kind and compassionate, faithful and honest...full of self control. I believed that if there were a problem in our marriage, it was probably my fault. I believed our lack of emotional intimacy was because I was unable to love or be loved. I thought I was just too needy and I needed to just be satisfied with what I had. That all turned out to be a lie. Not only was he not those things, he was making me feel like I was the crazy one.
I cannot tell you how hard it is to convince myself that he is not at all the person I thought him to be for 30 years. I know it now by factual evidence, but my heart and my soul are in complete denial. Over the past few weeks, I have been stunned by his coldness and callousness. I have been shocked that not once in 6 months has he asked how I was doing or if I'm okay...if I'm healing or hurting. He cannot bear to look at the decimation in my eyes or hear it in my voice. He cannot believe that he is the person who was capable of all of this. And, quite frankly, neither can I.
The thing that I am struggling with the most right now is that I keep giving him chances to show me he is not this uncaring man, but time and time again, that's exactly who shows up. I heard Dr. Phil once say, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". Why am I having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this? Why do I keep going back to the same dried up oasis expecting to find water to quench my thirst? I have come to realize that he does not have the capacity to even try to give me a drink of water to quench my thirst for compassion.
My counselor tells me that this longing...this thirst...is the best of me. It is a God given gift to desire love and beauty and wholeness and redemption. God is longing...all creation is longing...I am longing to see a softened heart and a glimpse of repentance. Instead, I get contempt, anger, retaliation. And yet, I go back...again and again expecting to find someone different, desperately holding out hope that the mirage of a godly man is really an oasis. There it is...insanity.
As hard as it is to let go of the mirage and make myself believe those things, it has to be better in the long run than holding on to the hope of thirst quenching drink from him only to be left with sand in my throat. I am going back to the age old truth that only Christ can give me living water from a well that never goes dry and if I fill myself up with him...allow him to truly quench my thirst...I will never thirst again. Does that mean that I will never long to have a man love me the way I expected my husband to? No. But, I will not look to another man to quench the thirst for love. I will try to recognize when I am trying to draw water from a well that is dry and turn to the one who placed inside of me a bubbling spring that I can drink from continuously.
Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”
John 4:13-14
Monday, July 18, 2016
Shattered
My oldest child was an addict from early on. Her drug of choice - the pacifier. I tried everything I could think of to break her from it, but unfortunately it was I who first introduced her to the thing. It was easier than having her 'cry it out'. I was her supplier and enabler. I would put her to bed as a toddler with one in her mouth and one in each fist just in case it fell out during the middle of the night. When my middle child was on the way, I decided it was time to get rid of it once and for all. All of the spare pacifiers had disappeared and she was left with one, disgusting, worn out, pink binky. One day she came to me and said, "mommy, my naynay (her name for it) is broken." I said to her, "you know what we do with broken things?" she said, "we throw them in the trash?" I said yes, and she threw it away and never asked for it again. I couldn't believe it was that easy.
Twenty-five years later, I remember this story because I feel like the old, pink binky... tossed in the trash because someone used it till it was broken and had outgrown the need for it. When my d-day (day of discovery) happened, there were moments when I thought I saw remorse, regret and repentance in his eyes. I was so shattered, I had no idea how I would ever live through it. I longed to have him assure me that it would be okay. I needed to hear him say, "I love you! I'm so sorry! I will do ANYTHING to save this marriage!". Instead, I came to realize that he only wanted me to continue to be his cover...his link to a 'normal, christian life'. He wanted me to stay "because we had invested 30 years of our lives and that should be worth something". He wanted me to stay for the sake of keeping the family together. I begged him to say "I love you" to me just like I'd watched him look each of my children in the eye and say those very words. Instead, he told me that he "just couldn't say that to me and that it wasn't that simple...that there was a reason why we were at this place".
Once he realized that I was completely broken to the point of no return, he tossed me aside. I came to believe that I was not worth fighting for. I had no value to him once I was not going to be his cover. I was dumbfounded that not once did he ever, IN SIX MONTHS, call or email or text to see how I was. He never asked how counseling was going or if I cried myself to sleep at night or if I missed him or us. He never asked what I do to fill the loneliness that sets in the minute I come home from work and lasts until the time I leave for work the next day. He never called to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I miss you so much". The only sound I hear is my own heart beating out the rhythm, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.
I sit in the trash heap, waiting for him to see the broken pieces. I try to put the pieces back together myself but they refuse to be held together and stick to each other. I wonder if all of the pieces are even still there or if some were shattered into such fine shards that they will never be found again. I realize I will never be the same. I fear that like Humpty Dumpty, all the King's horses and all the King's men can never put me back together again.
My wise counselor helped me to re-frame the picture. He said, "That FOOLISH man walked away from you!" It is so odd that I never saw it that way before. Instead of seeing myself as a treasure, like an heirloom piece of fine bone china that someone would be a fool to walk away from, I saw myself as worthless and useless... like a big gulp cup that ends up on the side of the road. Another thing to be tossed aside like last month's Men's Health magazine.
I just returned from a buying trip to the Atlanta gift market. While I was there, I saw a jewelry maker who made beautiful broaches and necklaces and earrings from pieces of broken china. She takes pieces of china that were accidentally dropped, carelessly knocked to the floor or thrown in a fit of anger...pieces that would normally be tossed in the trash...and makes beautiful works of wearable art from them.
I am reminded of the lyrics of a song called Broken Into Beautiful by Gwen Smith:
Twenty-five years later, I remember this story because I feel like the old, pink binky... tossed in the trash because someone used it till it was broken and had outgrown the need for it. When my d-day (day of discovery) happened, there were moments when I thought I saw remorse, regret and repentance in his eyes. I was so shattered, I had no idea how I would ever live through it. I longed to have him assure me that it would be okay. I needed to hear him say, "I love you! I'm so sorry! I will do ANYTHING to save this marriage!". Instead, I came to realize that he only wanted me to continue to be his cover...his link to a 'normal, christian life'. He wanted me to stay "because we had invested 30 years of our lives and that should be worth something". He wanted me to stay for the sake of keeping the family together. I begged him to say "I love you" to me just like I'd watched him look each of my children in the eye and say those very words. Instead, he told me that he "just couldn't say that to me and that it wasn't that simple...that there was a reason why we were at this place".
Once he realized that I was completely broken to the point of no return, he tossed me aside. I came to believe that I was not worth fighting for. I had no value to him once I was not going to be his cover. I was dumbfounded that not once did he ever, IN SIX MONTHS, call or email or text to see how I was. He never asked how counseling was going or if I cried myself to sleep at night or if I missed him or us. He never asked what I do to fill the loneliness that sets in the minute I come home from work and lasts until the time I leave for work the next day. He never called to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I miss you so much". The only sound I hear is my own heart beating out the rhythm, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.
I sit in the trash heap, waiting for him to see the broken pieces. I try to put the pieces back together myself but they refuse to be held together and stick to each other. I wonder if all of the pieces are even still there or if some were shattered into such fine shards that they will never be found again. I realize I will never be the same. I fear that like Humpty Dumpty, all the King's horses and all the King's men can never put me back together again.
My wise counselor helped me to re-frame the picture. He said, "That FOOLISH man walked away from you!" It is so odd that I never saw it that way before. Instead of seeing myself as a treasure, like an heirloom piece of fine bone china that someone would be a fool to walk away from, I saw myself as worthless and useless... like a big gulp cup that ends up on the side of the road. Another thing to be tossed aside like last month's Men's Health magazine.
I just returned from a buying trip to the Atlanta gift market. While I was there, I saw a jewelry maker who made beautiful broaches and necklaces and earrings from pieces of broken china. She takes pieces of china that were accidentally dropped, carelessly knocked to the floor or thrown in a fit of anger...pieces that would normally be tossed in the trash...and makes beautiful works of wearable art from them.
She’s smiling on the outside
But she’s hurting on the inside
It’s getting hard just living anymore
And the shadows she has clung to
Painful things that she has been through
Have left her feeling worthless, Lord… but
You change worthless into precious
Guilty to forgiven
Hungry into satisfied
Empty into full
All the lies are shattered
And we believe we matter
When You change broken into beautiful
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/broken-into-beautiful-lyrics-gwen-smith.html#KWL489VDvXWI0Lbf.99
But she’s hurting on the inside
It’s getting hard just living anymore
And the shadows she has clung to
Painful things that she has been through
Have left her feeling worthless, Lord… but
You change worthless into precious
Guilty to forgiven
Hungry into satisfied
Empty into full
All the lies are shattered
And we believe we matter
When You change broken into beautiful
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/broken-into-beautiful-lyrics-gwen-smith.html#KWL489VDvXWI0Lbf.99
I love the reminder that only my Redeemer can change broken into beautiful. HE shatters the lies that I'm worthless. HE changes hungry into satisfied. HE changes worthless into precious. In His time, like a skilled jeweler, he will take the pieces of my shattered life and set them in the finest gold and silver to be put on display for all to marvel at the work of His hand.
"I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD.…"
Ps. 40:1-3
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Roller Coaster Ride
I've been writing some recently about how my life turned upside down almost 6 months ago, but I've found it hard to write honestly and openly about my true heart feelings. I don't know if it was out of denial or fear or a desire to protect the reputation of someone who had no desire to protect me, but the words won't stay silent any longer. I read a blog recently that has inspired me to open my heart and share transparently and authentically, because in reading her story (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com) I was able to see my own story as an outsider and offer her the grace and compassion that I haven't been able to offer to myself. So, here goes. It's not for the faint of heart so strap yourself in and keep hands and feet inside the car until it comes to a complete halt. :-)
Normally, I love roller coasters. But lately I've been on an emotional roller coaster that takes me from feelings of utter decimation to elation in 6 seconds flat. Just like the feeling you get on the descent of the biggest drop of a coaster, the decimation takes my breath away when I realize that I lived 30 years...THIRTY years...with someone who was living a complete lie. I believed this man to be honest...he was completely dishonest...not just before he was caught, but over and over again after he was caught. I believed he was faithful...he was completely unfaithful...not just once, but again and again over decades. I believed he was one of the most godly men on earth...he was ungodly. I believed he was fragile...a fragile man couldn't have pulled off this type of deception. I believed he was humble...he has been extremely arrogant. I believed he was kind...he has been incredibly cruel in blaming me for his actions. I believed he loved me...he tells me that he cannot say that he loves me. I cannot even put into words the effect that has on my psyche when I put those words down on paper and give them credence and life. It's as if I am a ghost writer penning the sad tale of some poor naive, mousy, stay at home mom who couldn't see what was happening under her nose but was clear to everyone else. NO ONE saw this one coming.
The elation comes slowly, just like the clack, clack, clacking you hear as you are climbing to the pinnacle of the tallest hill on the coaster, where for one brief second you take in the view of the landscape below and it feels like time is frozen. It is in that fleeting moment that I realize that I'm free from the nagging feeling that there must be something dreadfully wrong with me that keeps the people closest to me from being able to love me. I'm free from the fear that I will be left destitute and homeless. I'm free to dream that it is possible that someone could actually love and cherish me in the future and not just use me. I'm free from the insecurity and feeling that I was too much and not enough at the same time. I'm free from the oppression and negativity that walked through my door or called on the phone every day.
But, just like riding the coaster, the car starts the descent again and I'm left with my stomach in my throat wondering if I will ever make it back to the platform where I can stand on firm ground again. There are corkscrew turns where promises he made in moments of sorrow and desperation, are taken back and replaced with condescending accusations and demands. There are loops where I'm upside down believing that if I could have just loved him better or demanded less or was prettier or skinnier or more disciplined...I could have prevented this. There is the stretch where there are a series of little hills back to back. Those are the days when my cycle seems to change hourly between forgiveness, mercy and grace to hate, rage and unbearable pain.
And that's when. I find myself face down...as Beth Moore says, "carpet fibers in the nose"...face to face with the One who saw it all, all along, and said "enough". The ride is on level track and begins to slow. I hear His voice as it whispers to me in the madness:
“But now, this is what the Lord says— “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:1-19 selected
He SAW me. He knows my name. He redeemed me. I am His. He is with me. I am precious and honored in HIS sight. He LOVES ME! No one can take me from His hand. No one can reverse what HE has done. He is doing a NEW thing. He is making a way. What precious promises He has given to me. When I choose to get off the roller coaster and stand on the platform with Him, the madness stops for a while and I remember the story He wrote on my heart long ago.
I don't know how I have survived the past 6 months of this ride except for the squad of brothers and sisters in Christ who have chosen to que up and get on the ride with me. They have held my hands, my tears and my heart. They have traveled the ups and downs with me and have vowed to stay on the ride until it comes to an end. How thankful I am to be the recipient of their unconditional and faithful love. How blessed I am to call them my family. One day I hope to be able to let go of the safety bar, hold my hands high in the air squealing with utter abandon, and just enjoy the ride knowing He is waiting on the platform to greet me when the ride comes to a halt.
Normally, I love roller coasters. But lately I've been on an emotional roller coaster that takes me from feelings of utter decimation to elation in 6 seconds flat. Just like the feeling you get on the descent of the biggest drop of a coaster, the decimation takes my breath away when I realize that I lived 30 years...THIRTY years...with someone who was living a complete lie. I believed this man to be honest...he was completely dishonest...not just before he was caught, but over and over again after he was caught. I believed he was faithful...he was completely unfaithful...not just once, but again and again over decades. I believed he was one of the most godly men on earth...he was ungodly. I believed he was fragile...a fragile man couldn't have pulled off this type of deception. I believed he was humble...he has been extremely arrogant. I believed he was kind...he has been incredibly cruel in blaming me for his actions. I believed he loved me...he tells me that he cannot say that he loves me. I cannot even put into words the effect that has on my psyche when I put those words down on paper and give them credence and life. It's as if I am a ghost writer penning the sad tale of some poor naive, mousy, stay at home mom who couldn't see what was happening under her nose but was clear to everyone else. NO ONE saw this one coming.
The elation comes slowly, just like the clack, clack, clacking you hear as you are climbing to the pinnacle of the tallest hill on the coaster, where for one brief second you take in the view of the landscape below and it feels like time is frozen. It is in that fleeting moment that I realize that I'm free from the nagging feeling that there must be something dreadfully wrong with me that keeps the people closest to me from being able to love me. I'm free from the fear that I will be left destitute and homeless. I'm free to dream that it is possible that someone could actually love and cherish me in the future and not just use me. I'm free from the insecurity and feeling that I was too much and not enough at the same time. I'm free from the oppression and negativity that walked through my door or called on the phone every day.
But, just like riding the coaster, the car starts the descent again and I'm left with my stomach in my throat wondering if I will ever make it back to the platform where I can stand on firm ground again. There are corkscrew turns where promises he made in moments of sorrow and desperation, are taken back and replaced with condescending accusations and demands. There are loops where I'm upside down believing that if I could have just loved him better or demanded less or was prettier or skinnier or more disciplined...I could have prevented this. There is the stretch where there are a series of little hills back to back. Those are the days when my cycle seems to change hourly between forgiveness, mercy and grace to hate, rage and unbearable pain.
And that's when. I find myself face down...as Beth Moore says, "carpet fibers in the nose"...face to face with the One who saw it all, all along, and said "enough". The ride is on level track and begins to slow. I hear His voice as it whispers to me in the madness:
“But now, this is what the Lord says— “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:1-19 selected
He SAW me. He knows my name. He redeemed me. I am His. He is with me. I am precious and honored in HIS sight. He LOVES ME! No one can take me from His hand. No one can reverse what HE has done. He is doing a NEW thing. He is making a way. What precious promises He has given to me. When I choose to get off the roller coaster and stand on the platform with Him, the madness stops for a while and I remember the story He wrote on my heart long ago.
I don't know how I have survived the past 6 months of this ride except for the squad of brothers and sisters in Christ who have chosen to que up and get on the ride with me. They have held my hands, my tears and my heart. They have traveled the ups and downs with me and have vowed to stay on the ride until it comes to an end. How thankful I am to be the recipient of their unconditional and faithful love. How blessed I am to call them my family. One day I hope to be able to let go of the safety bar, hold my hands high in the air squealing with utter abandon, and just enjoy the ride knowing He is waiting on the platform to greet me when the ride comes to a halt.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Novocaine
Over the course of my life, I have spent countless hours in a dentist chair. I was 'blessed' with 'soft teeth'. My entire childhood seemed to be marked by scoldings for not taking better care of my teeth and trips to the dentist office which according to my mother, cost a lot of money. Many of those trips involved filling cavities, getting crowns, fixing crowns and replacing fillings (Which is why we were never allowed to chew bubblegum. As my mother said, every time she looked at bubble gum, she saw dollar signs.) So, needless to say, I am very familiar with Novocaine. I can still feel the fat lip that kept me from being able to eat or drink anything for a few hours without having spit run down my chin. I know how impossible it is to put on lipstick while you are still numb or how you are SURE that your lip is 5 times its normal size just to look in the mirror and see that it looks normal. I have bit the inside of my jaw more times than I can count because of Novocaine. I have been numbed so completely that it actually reaches my eye...which is a really strange sensation. I also know that weird, tingling feeling that you get when the Novocaine is wearing off and the feeling is coming back.
So why am I spending a whole blog talking about Novocaine? Because it is the only thing that I can think of that describes how I'm feeling right now. Since the end of January, I have been in intense, weekly therapy dealing with the most horrific betrayal anyone could imagine. It exposed a gaping hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. Upon further reflection however, much like a cavity, it didn't happen overnight, but over years of not dealing with the plaque that was building up on my heart. Longings that were never filled from childhood through college and then into my adult life caused decay to erode the protective layer of my heart just like a cavity in a tooth. The heart ache, much like a tooth ache, begged to be numbed...put to sleep...just to have relief from the pain. What I am discovering is how for the past few decades I have been applying the equivalent of emotional Novocaine to my life. With each pang of unmet longing, another shot of Novocaine was applied until my heart was completely numb. What that meant was not only was I not feeling pain, I also was not able to feel true joy.
As I have allowed the Holy Spirit to do his work, he is filling the cavity in my heart and making it whole and useful again. As it is beginning to heal, I feel the Novocaine wearing off. The tingling has started and I realize how numb I have been. Longings that I had shut off because it was just too painful to bear are being recognized and given voice. I had resigned myself to the fact that my desire for true intimacy must be put to sleep because it had been unmet for so long. Now it has been awakened and I realize that God has breathed life into these dry bones. He never intends for his children to live with a numbed heart.
I am learning that the desire...the longing...is not the problem. It's what we do with the longing, what we try to fill it with, that is the problem. If I were to fill a cavity with more bacteria, it would destroy the tooth. But when the dentist cleans out all of the bacteria and fills it completely (no air bubbles or tiny particles of any foreign substance), it saves the tooth. I must allow God to fill the cavity in my heart completely. I cannot expect a spouse, a child, a job, a church or a friend to fill that space and heal the hole that the decay has caused.
And, I must realize that sitting in that dentist chair long enough to fill that tooth takes patience and you have to be still. That is the hardest part for me. Waiting with patience...being still and knowing that the One who is filling the hole does not accomplish it over night, but when he finishes, it will be done perfectly.
It's exciting to feel the tingling...to know that life and feeling is returning. The reality is that as I am able to feel joy and freedom and hope, I also have to be open to feeling the pain and sorrow and anger without applying another shot of Novocaine. But I hold to the belief that being able to feel a full range of emotions is so much better than being numb. I can't wait to see what my Healer has in store for me. Until he is finished, I will try to be patient...and still enough for Him to do his work.
So why am I spending a whole blog talking about Novocaine? Because it is the only thing that I can think of that describes how I'm feeling right now. Since the end of January, I have been in intense, weekly therapy dealing with the most horrific betrayal anyone could imagine. It exposed a gaping hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. Upon further reflection however, much like a cavity, it didn't happen overnight, but over years of not dealing with the plaque that was building up on my heart. Longings that were never filled from childhood through college and then into my adult life caused decay to erode the protective layer of my heart just like a cavity in a tooth. The heart ache, much like a tooth ache, begged to be numbed...put to sleep...just to have relief from the pain. What I am discovering is how for the past few decades I have been applying the equivalent of emotional Novocaine to my life. With each pang of unmet longing, another shot of Novocaine was applied until my heart was completely numb. What that meant was not only was I not feeling pain, I also was not able to feel true joy.
As I have allowed the Holy Spirit to do his work, he is filling the cavity in my heart and making it whole and useful again. As it is beginning to heal, I feel the Novocaine wearing off. The tingling has started and I realize how numb I have been. Longings that I had shut off because it was just too painful to bear are being recognized and given voice. I had resigned myself to the fact that my desire for true intimacy must be put to sleep because it had been unmet for so long. Now it has been awakened and I realize that God has breathed life into these dry bones. He never intends for his children to live with a numbed heart.
I am learning that the desire...the longing...is not the problem. It's what we do with the longing, what we try to fill it with, that is the problem. If I were to fill a cavity with more bacteria, it would destroy the tooth. But when the dentist cleans out all of the bacteria and fills it completely (no air bubbles or tiny particles of any foreign substance), it saves the tooth. I must allow God to fill the cavity in my heart completely. I cannot expect a spouse, a child, a job, a church or a friend to fill that space and heal the hole that the decay has caused.
And, I must realize that sitting in that dentist chair long enough to fill that tooth takes patience and you have to be still. That is the hardest part for me. Waiting with patience...being still and knowing that the One who is filling the hole does not accomplish it over night, but when he finishes, it will be done perfectly.
It's exciting to feel the tingling...to know that life and feeling is returning. The reality is that as I am able to feel joy and freedom and hope, I also have to be open to feeling the pain and sorrow and anger without applying another shot of Novocaine. But I hold to the belief that being able to feel a full range of emotions is so much better than being numb. I can't wait to see what my Healer has in store for me. Until he is finished, I will try to be patient...and still enough for Him to do his work.
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