nighttime

I have always said that if I ever write a book, it will be titled "And Then I Had Clark". Clark was born 2 1/2 years after one of the easiest babies ever born. Natalie slept through the night from the first night we brought her home from the hospital and made this parenting thing seem really easy. She gave us the false confidence that we had it all together and we could handle another child.
Then there was Clark. He had colic and chronic ear infections and asthma and NEVER slept. We were desperate for a full night's rest and when he was about 9 months old, the doctor told me to just let him cry it out in his crib...that was the only way we would be able to get rest. So we would put him to bed close the door and listen to him scream for hours to the point that he would work himself into an asthma attack. I would then have to go in and give him a breathing treatment (which hyped him up) put him back to bed and start the whole process all over again.
Night after night I would put him back to bed and sit outside his door listening for the wheezing to begin.
One night as I sat outside his door, I thought "If he only knew that I was just outside the door, he wouldn't throw such a fit". He couldn't see me, couldn't hear me, couldn't feel me, but I was there just the same...listening and ready to step in the minute I knew he needed me.
Why am I writing about this now? Well, over the past few weeks, I have related to Clark in that crib. I feel that I've been stuck in a dark room unable to see, feel or hear from God. I am crying out to him to help me; to allow me to feel him or see him...but nothing. Just as I was trying to help Clark to grow and mature, God is allowing me to grow and mature...to stretch my spiritual muscles and become a woman of faith. His presence is there...he has promised to never leave me...but I need to learn to believe that and trust that even when I can't feel him or see him.
James 1:2-4 says:
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
Clark continued to have trouble sleeping in his own bed for what seemed like forever. He would get up and sleep on the floor beside my bed until I told him that he couldn't come into our room any more. Then he would sleep in the hall outside our door and when I told him he couldn't leave his room, he slept in the floor of his room just inside the doorway. I think he was about 8 years old before he would sleep in his bed. The good news is that now, he has no trouble sleeping in his own bed and he never comes to get in bed with us! He has grown up...matured...and he is a great kid. At this moment, he is my easy one.
This tells me that God's purpose as my perfect heavenly father is for me to persevere, grow up and be mature. I will not always sit in the dark...and when I do, I will learn to rest in the knowledge that he is there with me in the darkness. He is perfectly patient with me, allowing me to cry out and call on him, knowing that one day I will be complete...not lacking anything.

dawn

It's been a while since I've written anything new on my blog and that's partly because it feels like forever since I've really been inspired...or even felt like I've heard from God. Life is just plain hard sometimes and it's in the daily-ness of it all that I seem to loose my way until one day I wake up and realize I don't know where I am, who I am or where I'm going.
I went on vacation last week to the beach, which is where God has met me in my time of need so many times. I was hoping that I would hear from Him there, but instead, all I felt was emptiness and longing. I begged him for a morsel...a crumb...a whisper - like he spoke to Elijah. Still nothing.
I came home feeling like life was crashing down on me. The smallest thing seemed like a catastrophe and I found myself unable to cope with the most trivial issues. I was so disillusioned, lonely and ready to give up. I truly don't recall the last time I was so disappointed with God. Tears would flow uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I wrestled for a while and then had to just get up and put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.
Tonight I went out to see a movie, just to escape from reality for a little while and on the way home, something unusual happened. I found a new worship song a few days ago that I have been listening to and learning to sing along with. Tonight, as I started singing, something in my spirit rose up and sang full voice...refusing to be squelched any longer. It was almost as if it was smoke rising from the ashes reaching to heaven just to touch the hem of his garment. I was reminded of one of my favorite verses...Micah 7:8 "Do not gloat over me my enemy! Though I have fallen I WILL rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."
I was very aware of the reality that there is a battle that is raging within me between the flesh that wants to have it's way and rule, and the spirit that has been given life through the One who overcame death. So many times I feed the flesh, giving it strength and power to reign. But tonight, the spirit refused to be silent any longer and as I sang these words, I felt the darkness fade little.

"God He Reigns"

Holy One, Holy One
All creation bows to worship.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Glory in the highest.
And I will sing, I will sing
His praises forever.

God He reigns, God He reigns
Holy is the Lord of heaven.
God He reigns, God He reigns
Forevermore.