Today I find myself with no words yet needing to get the words out of my head and deal with them....
look at them in black and white
the truth of them...all together
dancing on the page forcing me to deal with the reality of my life.
And, I'm going to apologize now for the use of the 'f' bomb here...
but in all honesty, it's the only word that even begins to touch the depth of the emotion that is welling up inside of me right now.
I realize that for almost eight years I have been trying so hard to create a new life and leave the old one in the rearview mirror...I have not REALLY dealt with the reality of the depth of pain that still lives in the dark recesses of my heart eight fucking years later.
Like my daughter's skein of yarn, it is such a complicated ball of wound-up raw emotions that I can't even begin to unravel it.
And if I start to unravel it, then I just end up with a big, tangled mess of string in my lap that is all knotted up and frustrating, I just walk away and say things like "it's just the way it is" or "it's the reality of my life" or "we're just one big 'fucking happy' modern family".
I can't even wrap my brain around what I just experienced this weekend.
It's Christmas. The kids are all coming home for the holidays.
For a brief 36 hours, my son and his girlfriend are gifting us with their presence.
(But God forbid we give presents...it's not allowed!)
My youngest and her boyfriend are coming too.
And in an effort to make life easier for my kids
To care for their hearts and hurts
To not make them have to split the time between their two parents,
I make the offer to have a gathering with all of us
Including their father and his male partner.
I am met with appreciation and the knowledge that he has already made the same offer.
So, we plan an outing at Top Golf.
One big happy family.
Do you have any idea how fucking weird it is to see someone you were married to for 30 years....
Somone who you went through infertility with...
Someone who watched you give birth to their 3 children.
Someone who said, "I Do... till death do we part."
Someone who pretended to be moral and honest.
Someone who was appalled at the lying, cheating, narcissistic brother of yours
Someone who made you feel like you should just be grateful they stayed with you.
To see THAT person
with another man
holding hands
To have uninvited thoughts invade your mind of what goes on in their bedroom
because he gave you explicit details of encounters when the truth was discovered.
And it's not enough that I just accept it...Oh NOOOOO.....
I'm somehow expected to celebrate it.
God forbid I show any negative emotion.
or make any comment about how freaking weird all of it is.
God forbid I shed a tear to grieve the nuclear bomb that went off and destroyed my home and my family.
God forbid I do anything other than laugh and smile and be Suzi Freaking Sunshine or risk raining on their gay parade.
God forbid I let my Christian freak flag fly and be honest about who I am.
God forbid I speak truth about who he is and his sociopathic lying and cheating.
HE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET
AND SHOVED ME INTO IT.
He gets to live out of his truth.
(except to his parents because God forbid they know the truth)
(And, by God, I better not be the one to tip them off...otherwise I'm guilty of outing him which we all know is a mortal sin punishable by law!)
And...I have to hide my truth.
I need to tuck that shit back in.
Aint nobody want to deal with that.
We're only interested in putting it in the past.
"It's just the way it is."
"Get used to it."
"You've got to move on."
"When are you going to let it go?"
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!
People have said, "Well at least you made it through the weekend. You got that over with."
Bullshit...
This is just the beginning of the rest of my fucking life
Weddings
Grandchildren
Every fucking holiday
Funerals
I have to be face to face with this reality
for the rest of my life.
It will never end.
And I don't know how to be okay with it.
I am fucking angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and no one wants to hear it.
No one gives a shit.
I just look like a bitter, raging bitch
Which feeds right into his narrative of who I am.
AND IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!
Meanwhile, he stands there looking all pitiful
And grateful that I let him be a part of it all.
And the poor little meek and wounded mousey weasel tugs at the heartstrings of his kids
and they remember....
how I sent them in to comfort him
to nurse his little wounded spirit
because he was so fucking weak, he couldn't carry his own shit
so someone else had to.
I heard a podcast this week about straight spouses of sociopathic liars and cheaters.
And I'm angry at myself
that I believed him
even when I knew in my heart that he was gay.
I abandoned myself. Left myself behind.
Called myself a liar.
Believed I was narcissistic.
I left myself to care for him because he needed it more.
Accused myself of being too needy
too lazy
too angry
too selfish
too fat
too dumb
too undisciplined
I believed I was the crazy one.
I believed it was my fault
and I still have a hard time shaking that thought.
And I have to own the fact that I chose that shit.
I chose to stay with him because I thought he was safe
good
kind
godly
honest
faithful.
And I left me behind because I thought I was the polar opposite.
I have to figure out how to go back for that girl.
I owe her an apology.
She didn't deserve that, and she doesn't deserve it now.
I need to relieve her of the guilt of not doing it perfectly.
She wanted all of the good things and was willing to give up everything to have it.
She has a big heart
that loves and includes everyone unconditionally.
She opens her home to everyone.
She's generous and kind.
Always looking for the good in people
Giving them grace over and over again.
even when they don't deserve it.
She is loved by so many people.
Friends are amazed by her strength and fortitude.
Strangers pour their hearts out to her because she listens and cares.
She is funny and creative and resourceful.
She loves Jesus and offers the forgiveness and grace she has been given.
She serves and gives generously.
She puts her feelings aside for the betterment of others.
She delights in the flourishing of her friends.
She is full of color in a black and white world.
She is joy and light and life lived out loud
On stage for everyone to see
Out of the closet
Except at home.
