I AM NOT A VICTIM

It has been 6 years now...unbelievable! 

On the first visit ever made to my very wise counselor, he  told me  that it would take a minimum of 5 years to heal from such a devastating discovery. I clearly remember saying, "I'm 55 years old! I don't have 5 years to waste!" I wanted the fast track and he assured me that there was no such thing.

So, 6 years later and I do feel much more whole and healed and re-created thanks to many, MANY visits to see my very wise counselor, friends who encourage me, a God who pursues me endlessly and a fluffy white four legged friend who gives the best cuddles. 

Today, a friend called...remembering it was the anniversary of my D-day...and as we talked about all the good that God has done in the past 6 years, she said "You are not a victim!". And you know what? She's right! 

In the first days after my discovery, the word victim was thrown around a lot. He was acting like he was my victim. I was proclaiming that I was the victim here. It was a race to the bottom to see who was the bigger victim.

Until one day, when he had a rare moment of sorrow over what he had done, he said to me, "I'm sorry I ruined your life."

 I can't describe or explain the current that rose from my toes to my vocal chords, but every thing in me stood tall and grounded and courage like I have never experienced, flowed through my veins, and I looked him in the eye and said:

"You don't get to ruin my life. I would have to give you permission to do that, and I refuse to give you the authority to ruin my life." 

I don't know where that nugget of wisdom came from...well, actually, I believe it was a burst of the Holy Spirit, but I know it came from deep in my soul...from years of trauma and feeling trapped and helpless. My soul finally found its voice and refused to be silenced.

Enough! I am not a victim! I get to chose who has authority over my life, and I refuse to give that honor to people who exploit my trust and devotion in order to manipulate and control me for their own pleasure.

That refusal to allow someone to 'ruin my life', has been the leash on which I'm led to freedom. Like Stella on our daily walks, sometimes, I'm being dragged by it and sometimes I'm running ahead...but, I'm always being led by a God who has a great adventure awaiting me as long as I stay tethered to him. He is the only one to whom I will relinquish my power because He is the only one who truly knows what is best for me.

Was I harmed by the actions of another human being who I trusted to care for me? Yes...many of them. Has it caused years of sorrow and struggle to learn to trust again? Yes...and I will never be completely healed this side of heaven. Do I bear the scars of those wounds? Yes...and they will always be a part of the landscape of my life. BUT...they are not the whole story. They are not the end of the story. They are the jagged rocks that I have had to maneuver around in order to climb the mountain and discover the vistas that God has crafted of my life. I see more clearly now how He was there at every turn, in every tear, in all of the anger and rage...even when I didn't see him or feel him or hear him...He never left my side.

I think I will always spend January 21 contemplating what happened. It is for me the single most lifechanging moment...even more than getting married or becoming a mother...because it shook the foundations on which I had built my life. It shook them...but it did not destroy them...because I refused to give it the power to destroy me.

"Do not gloat over me my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." 

Micah 7:8

Who was I to you?

 It's been almost 6 years now since my discovery. Six years of no closure...no answers...no apologies.

He has moved on...as have I. He has a partner. The kids are okay with it...even more, have embraced it. There was a picture of the happy couple at my son's house. He and him. When I saw it...quite by accident...I had a true trauma response. Triggered to the point of almost paralysis. Why????

 After 6 years of knowing in my head the truth, my heart still struggles to believe the reality that he is not the person I thought he was. He is a stranger to me. 

Which leads me to the haunting question that I would ask him were I given an audience. 

Who was I to you???

Was I just the young, pretty thing that you felt proud to have on your arm when you used the symphony tickets that the Weiner's gave you? You told me once how good it made you feel to have me by your side at functions. Was I just your arm candy to prove that you could attract a woman?

Was I your ticket to 'normalcy'? You only pursued me when you saw me walk away and move past you. Was I what you thought might be your last chance at having a wife and a family? Were you afraid that you wouldn't find another willing victim who would worship the ground you walked on like I did in the beginning, and overlook your silence and the aloofness? 

Was I the one that kept the silent questions of all those Baptist friends and family at bay? I was the proof that their suppositions were wrong. I was the reason that they shut down those doubts and surmised that you were just 'artsy and creative'. Was I just your cover?

Was I just your baby carriage? The one that would carry your children in my body for nine months, hand them over to you again and again...not feeling worthy enough to be their mother...always believing that you were a better mother and father to them than I. The one who on the day your secret came out, sent them to you to comfort you and make you feel okay about what happened, believing you needed them more than me.

Was I just your bridge to having friends and a social life? The one who planned dinner parties and holidays and built relationships that you pretended to enjoy for years, just to turn your back on them when you were discovered. You told the kids that your friends and church kicked you to the curb, but we all know the truth that you were the one doing the kicking. Once they knew the truth, you had no use for them.

Was I your whipping boy? The one you hated and resented and who gave you justification for the double life you chose to live. Did I make you feel more superior intellectually and financially? Did you enjoy setting you and your family above me and mine? Did it make you feel good to know that you could do whatever you wanted and I would believe you? Did you feel a surge of power when you would have your trysts and come home and know I was stupidly devoted to you?

Was I your scapegoat for the divorce? As long as your parents believed the narrative that I was the bitch who drove you to 'messing up' while you were in NYC, they don't have to answer what must be the nagging question in their mind that they won't allow themselves to ask. They don't have to know that you knew long before I came along, that no woman could give you what you wanted. They can continue to believe that their precious son is practically perfect in every way. 

Was I just your cheerleader and PR person? The one who bragged to everyone about your artistic and musical abilities. Who sold your art and encouraged you to do more and made sure you had time to go to galleries and encouraged weekends away with friends. The one who not only celebrated Father's Day, but also gave you 'daddy appreciation days' with kids who worshipped you at their mother's bidding. 

I was nothing to you, which is why it was so easy for you to walk away with not even a backward glance at the wreckage you left behind. I was of no value to you once you had been found out for who you really are.  Once you realized that I actually had some self respect and dignity and was not willing to be used by you anymore, you blamed me for the whole mess and walked out the door.  

What a foolish, foolish man you are...and cruel...so cruel. That's who you are. A user who will continue to use those who are willing to get sucked into your vortex of lies...those who will invest in your portfolio of deception, believing they will get a payout one day only to find that it is a fraud. I for one, am happy to now know the truth.