Ps. 27:13
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
It's good to be back in the land of the living! I had major surgery almost 3 weeks ago and there have been days in the past 3 weeks that I wasn't even sure that I would see the land of the living again, much less the goodness of the Lord. There were moments so dark that I couldn't imagine ever being able to go back to life as I knew it.
I called on God for help, for relief, for comfort and couldn't hear him, couldn't feel him, couldn't see him. As I begged him for help, I thought of multitudes of friends and acquaintances who have walked much harder roads than I and had asked for deliverance, and yet were only given grace for the journey. People who's faith is much greater than mine, who had asked for God to heal their dying children, put their marriages back together, provide for their families and yet He chose to walk the road with them instead of giving them a new road. I knew I had no right to demand of Him to 'fix' me, but I had every right to ASK him to give me strength to bear the pain.
At the time, I couldn't see even the renewed strength. I couldn't see how He was beside me in the middle of the darkness. But on the other side now, with just a bit more light, I know that the only thing that kept me going was knowing that one day, I would see the goodness of the Lord. I didn't know if the land of the living would be here on earth, or in heaven...but I would see the goodness of the Lord one way or the other.
I have a brother in law who has struggled for over 15 years now with a debilitating mental illness. He lives a tortured life the majority of the time. When he was diagnosed, neither he nor my sister nor his family had any idea that this would not just be a season, but would be a new way of life. Yet, he has had such a profound impact on my family and many others because of his courage to keep believing that he will see the goodness of the Lord one day.
I didn't know if my affliction would be a season or a new way of life. I'm very grateful that is seems to have just been a season. But I pray that no matter what trial comes my way, I will not choose to despair, but choose hope. Not hope that the situation will change, but hope in seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
