I AM NOT A VICTIM

It has been 6 years now...unbelievable! 

On the first visit ever made to my very wise counselor, he  told me  that it would take a minimum of 5 years to heal from such a devastating discovery. I clearly remember saying, "I'm 55 years old! I don't have 5 years to waste!" I wanted the fast track and he assured me that there was no such thing.

So, 6 years later and I do feel much more whole and healed and re-created thanks to many, MANY visits to see my very wise counselor, friends who encourage me, a God who pursues me endlessly and a fluffy white four legged friend who gives the best cuddles. 

Today, a friend called...remembering it was the anniversary of my D-day...and as we talked about all the good that God has done in the past 6 years, she said "You are not a victim!". And you know what? She's right! 

In the first days after my discovery, the word victim was thrown around a lot. He was acting like he was my victim. I was proclaiming that I was the victim here. It was a race to the bottom to see who was the bigger victim.

Until one day, when he had a rare moment of sorrow over what he had done, he said to me, "I'm sorry I ruined your life."

 I can't describe or explain the current that rose from my toes to my vocal chords, but every thing in me stood tall and grounded and courage like I have never experienced, flowed through my veins, and I looked him in the eye and said:

"You don't get to ruin my life. I would have to give you permission to do that, and I refuse to give you the authority to ruin my life." 

I don't know where that nugget of wisdom came from...well, actually, I believe it was a burst of the Holy Spirit, but I know it came from deep in my soul...from years of trauma and feeling trapped and helpless. My soul finally found its voice and refused to be silenced.

Enough! I am not a victim! I get to chose who has authority over my life, and I refuse to give that honor to people who exploit my trust and devotion in order to manipulate and control me for their own pleasure.

That refusal to allow someone to 'ruin my life', has been the leash on which I'm led to freedom. Like Stella on our daily walks, sometimes, I'm being dragged by it and sometimes I'm running ahead...but, I'm always being led by a God who has a great adventure awaiting me as long as I stay tethered to him. He is the only one to whom I will relinquish my power because He is the only one who truly knows what is best for me.

Was I harmed by the actions of another human being who I trusted to care for me? Yes...many of them. Has it caused years of sorrow and struggle to learn to trust again? Yes...and I will never be completely healed this side of heaven. Do I bear the scars of those wounds? Yes...and they will always be a part of the landscape of my life. BUT...they are not the whole story. They are not the end of the story. They are the jagged rocks that I have had to maneuver around in order to climb the mountain and discover the vistas that God has crafted of my life. I see more clearly now how He was there at every turn, in every tear, in all of the anger and rage...even when I didn't see him or feel him or hear him...He never left my side.

I think I will always spend January 21 contemplating what happened. It is for me the single most lifechanging moment...even more than getting married or becoming a mother...because it shook the foundations on which I had built my life. It shook them...but it did not destroy them...because I refused to give it the power to destroy me.

"Do not gloat over me my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." 

Micah 7:8