"At the end of the day, I find most people end up doing what they want." Those were the counselor's words to me at the end of one of our sessions.  It was our first time to go to counseling as a couple after D-day and I went looking for answers to how to get through this hellish reality. I wanted him to tell me what to do, tell me if there was hope, give me something to fix. But instead, all I got was, "at then end of the day, you will do what you want to do." I was frustrated, a bit angry and confused. After all, that's what I was paying him the big bucks for! As I drove home, I asked myself  "What DO you want?" and that was when the blinders came off.  I had no idea what I wanted other than for the pain to stop.

I came home and sat...alone...for a long time. I started making a list of what I wanted and realized that nothing in my life looked like what I had written down. How had I gotten to this place in my life where being with a man who did not desire to know me physically, spiritually or emotionally, was ok? Why did I feel that I somehow deserved to be looked at with contempt - not only from him, but from my children as well.  Why was it okay that I felt more lonely laying next to him in bed than I did at any other place in my life. How long had I been denying my feelings of pain and hopelessness and believing that being with him was better than being alone?
 That question will haunt me for a long time...
            What do I want???