Roller Coaster Ride

I've been writing some recently about how my life turned upside down almost 6 months ago, but I've found it hard to write honestly and openly about my true heart feelings. I don't know if it was out of denial or fear or a desire to protect the reputation of someone who had no desire to protect me, but the words won't stay silent any longer. I read a blog recently that has inspired me to open my heart and share transparently and authentically, because in reading her story (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com) I was able to see my own story as an outsider and offer her the grace and compassion that I haven't been able to offer to myself. So, here goes. It's not for the faint of heart so strap yourself in and keep hands and feet inside the car until it comes to a complete halt. :-)

Normally, I love roller coasters. But lately I've been on an emotional roller coaster that takes me from feelings of utter decimation to elation in 6 seconds flat. Just like the feeling you get on the descent of the biggest drop of a coaster, the decimation takes my breath away when I realize that I lived 30 years...THIRTY years...with someone who was living a complete lie. I believed this man to be honest...he was completely dishonest...not just before he was caught, but over and over again after he was caught. I believed he was faithful...he was completely unfaithful...not just once, but again and again over decades. I believed he was one of the most godly men on earth...he was ungodly. I believed he was fragile...a fragile man couldn't have pulled off this type of deception. I believed he was humble...he has been extremely arrogant. I believed he was kind...he has been incredibly cruel in blaming me for his actions. I believed he loved me...he tells me that he cannot say that he loves me. I cannot even put into words the effect that has on my psyche when I put those words down on paper and give them credence and life. It's as if I am a ghost writer penning the sad tale of some poor naive, mousy, stay at home mom who couldn't see what was happening under her nose but was clear to everyone else. NO ONE saw this one coming.

The elation comes slowly, just like the clack, clack, clacking you hear as you are climbing to the pinnacle of the tallest hill on the coaster, where for one brief second you take in the view of the landscape below and it feels like time is frozen. It is in that fleeting moment that I realize that I'm free from the nagging feeling that there must be something dreadfully wrong with me that keeps the people closest to me from being able to love me. I'm free from the fear that I will be left destitute and homeless. I'm free to dream that it is possible that someone could actually love and cherish me in the future and not just use me.  I'm free from the insecurity and feeling that I was too much and not enough at the same time. I'm free from the oppression and negativity that walked through my door or called on the phone every day.

But, just like riding the coaster, the car starts the descent again and I'm left with my stomach in my throat wondering if I will ever make it back to the platform where I can stand on firm ground again. There are corkscrew turns where promises he made in moments of sorrow and desperation, are taken back and replaced with condescending accusations and demands. There are loops where I'm upside down believing that if I could have just loved him better or demanded less or was prettier or skinnier or more disciplined...I could have prevented this. There is the stretch where there are a series of little hills back to back.  Those are the days when my cycle seems to change hourly between forgiveness, mercy and grace to hate, rage and unbearable pain.

And that's when. I find myself face down...as Beth Moore says, "carpet fibers in the nose"...face to face with the One who saw it all, all along, and said "enough". The ride is on level track and begins to slow. I hear His voice as it whispers to me in the madness:
“But now, this is what the Lord says— “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed— I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:1-19‬ ‭selected

 He SAW me. He knows my name. He redeemed me. I am His. He is with me. I am precious and honored in HIS sight. He LOVES ME! No one can take me from His hand. No one can reverse what HE has done. He is doing a NEW thing. He is making a way. What precious promises He has given to me. When I choose to get off the roller coaster and stand on the platform with Him, the madness stops for a while and I remember the story He wrote on my heart long ago.

I don't know how I have survived the past 6 months of this ride except for the squad of brothers and sisters in Christ who have chosen to que up and get on the ride with me.  They have held my hands, my tears and my heart. They have traveled the ups and downs with me and have vowed to stay on the ride until it comes to an end. How thankful I am to be the recipient of their unconditional and faithful love. How blessed I am to call them my family. One day I hope to be able to let go of the safety bar, hold my hands high in the air squealing with utter abandon, and just enjoy the ride knowing He is waiting on the platform to greet me when the ride comes to a halt.