Novocaine

Over the course of my life, I have spent countless hours in a dentist chair.  I was 'blessed' with 'soft teeth'. My entire childhood seemed to be marked by scoldings for not taking better care of my teeth and trips to the dentist office which according to my mother, cost a lot of money. Many of those trips involved filling cavities, getting crowns, fixing crowns and replacing fillings (Which is why we were never allowed to chew bubblegum.  As my mother said, every time she looked at bubble gum, she saw dollar signs.) So, needless to say, I am very familiar with Novocaine.  I can still feel the fat lip that kept me from being able to eat or drink anything for a few hours without having spit run down my chin. I know how impossible it is to put on lipstick while you are still numb or how you are SURE that your lip is 5 times its normal size just to look in the mirror and see that it looks normal. I have bit the inside of my jaw more times than I can count because of Novocaine. I have been numbed so completely that it actually reaches my eye...which is a really strange sensation. I also know that weird, tingling feeling that you get when the Novocaine is wearing off and the feeling is coming back.
So why am I spending a whole blog talking about Novocaine? Because it is the only thing that I can think of that describes how I'm feeling right now. Since the end of January, I have been in intense, weekly therapy dealing with the most horrific betrayal anyone could imagine. It exposed a gaping hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. Upon further reflection however, much like a cavity, it didn't happen overnight, but over years of not dealing with the plaque that was building up on my heart. Longings that were never filled from childhood through college and then into my adult life caused decay to erode the protective layer of my heart just like a cavity in a tooth. The heart ache, much like a tooth ache, begged to be numbed...put to sleep...just to have relief from the pain. What I am discovering is how for the past few decades I have been applying the equivalent of emotional Novocaine to my life. With each pang of unmet longing, another shot of Novocaine was applied until my heart was completely numb. What that meant was not only was I not feeling pain, I also was not able to feel true joy.
As I have allowed the Holy Spirit to do his work, he is filling the cavity in my heart and making it whole and useful again. As it is beginning to heal, I feel the Novocaine wearing off.  The tingling has started and I realize how numb I have been. Longings that I had shut off because it was just too painful to bear are being recognized and given voice. I had resigned myself to the fact that my desire for true intimacy must be put to sleep because it had been unmet for so long. Now it has been awakened and I realize that God has breathed life into these dry bones. He never intends for his children to live with a numbed heart. 
 I am learning that the desire...the longing...is not the problem.  It's what we do with the longing, what we try to fill it with, that is the problem. If I were to fill a cavity with more bacteria, it would destroy the tooth.  But when the dentist cleans out all of the bacteria and fills it completely (no air bubbles or tiny particles of any foreign substance), it saves the tooth. I must allow God to fill the cavity in my heart completely.  I cannot expect a spouse, a child, a job, a church or a friend to fill that space and heal the hole that the decay has caused.
And, I must realize that sitting in that dentist chair long enough to fill that tooth takes patience and you have to be still.  That is the hardest part for me. Waiting with patience...being still and knowing that the One who is filling the hole does not accomplish it over night, but when he finishes, it will be done perfectly.
It's exciting to feel the tingling...to know that life and feeling is returning.  The reality is that as I am able to feel joy and freedom and hope, I also have to be open to feeling the pain and sorrow and anger without applying another shot of Novocaine. But I hold to the belief that being able to feel a full range of emotions is so much better than being numb. I can't wait to see what my Healer has in store for me. Until he is finished, I will try to be patient...and still enough for Him to do his work.