nighttime

I have always said that if I ever write a book, it will be titled "And Then I Had Clark". Clark was born 2 1/2 years after one of the easiest babies ever born. Natalie slept through the night from the first night we brought her home from the hospital and made this parenting thing seem really easy. She gave us the false confidence that we had it all together and we could handle another child.
Then there was Clark. He had colic and chronic ear infections and asthma and NEVER slept. We were desperate for a full night's rest and when he was about 9 months old, the doctor told me to just let him cry it out in his crib...that was the only way we would be able to get rest. So we would put him to bed close the door and listen to him scream for hours to the point that he would work himself into an asthma attack. I would then have to go in and give him a breathing treatment (which hyped him up) put him back to bed and start the whole process all over again.
Night after night I would put him back to bed and sit outside his door listening for the wheezing to begin.
One night as I sat outside his door, I thought "If he only knew that I was just outside the door, he wouldn't throw such a fit". He couldn't see me, couldn't hear me, couldn't feel me, but I was there just the same...listening and ready to step in the minute I knew he needed me.
Why am I writing about this now? Well, over the past few weeks, I have related to Clark in that crib. I feel that I've been stuck in a dark room unable to see, feel or hear from God. I am crying out to him to help me; to allow me to feel him or see him...but nothing. Just as I was trying to help Clark to grow and mature, God is allowing me to grow and mature...to stretch my spiritual muscles and become a woman of faith. His presence is there...he has promised to never leave me...but I need to learn to believe that and trust that even when I can't feel him or see him.
James 1:2-4 says:
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
Clark continued to have trouble sleeping in his own bed for what seemed like forever. He would get up and sleep on the floor beside my bed until I told him that he couldn't come into our room any more. Then he would sleep in the hall outside our door and when I told him he couldn't leave his room, he slept in the floor of his room just inside the doorway. I think he was about 8 years old before he would sleep in his bed. The good news is that now, he has no trouble sleeping in his own bed and he never comes to get in bed with us! He has grown up...matured...and he is a great kid. At this moment, he is my easy one.
This tells me that God's purpose as my perfect heavenly father is for me to persevere, grow up and be mature. I will not always sit in the dark...and when I do, I will learn to rest in the knowledge that he is there with me in the darkness. He is perfectly patient with me, allowing me to cry out and call on him, knowing that one day I will be complete...not lacking anything.