Dirty Stable

 It's Christmas Eve...2020 and I'm not feeling it...and I know many others aren't feeling it either. 

        Maybe it's all the mojo that comes with a pandemic, masks, social distancing...fear of infection.  

            Maybe it's the racial tension and denial of many who don't see the reason for it.

               Maybe it's because of the horrific election and tension that it brought among Christian brothers and sisters and how it has divided our nation. 

For me...it's deeper and closer in. It stings right at the heart and soul level where most of us shy away from going. It's raw and sometimes ugly and dark and most of the time, those around us don't like for us to 'go there' either. It's uncomfortable and we don't know what to do or say to bring them out of that place. 

But today, I'm giving myself time and space and permission to go there.

    To feel the grief

        To allow space and time to feel the pain and loss

            To acknowledge the disappointment and sadness...that it ought not be this way.

                To give voice to the hopes and fears of all the years.

Just like those who had waited...and waited...and waited...

    Four hundred years of silence

        despair

            disappointment

                disillusionment

I am not going to rush this and push it aside. I'm going to resist the urge to get up and bake cookies, put on some Christmas music or watch Elf...again. I'm not going to phone a friend or focus on all my blessings. 

                                I'm not going to clean up the stable.

He didn't come to stay in the Ritz Carlton. 

            He came to the dark, dirty cave where no one wanted to go...much less stay. 

                             And that's where I'm inviting him to right now.

The dirtiness of my sinful nature

    my selfishness

        my desire to have my feelings come first.

            my unforgiveness and bitterness that I nurse like a newborn

The darkness of my grief...complicated grief. 

   Grief for those who are no longer with us on this earth; 

        those who are on this earth and can't be here because of the pandemic; 

            those who are here but have chosen not to be here. 

Just like those people living in darkness of long ago,

    I'm wishing for the way it used to be

        when His presence came in a cloud and fire

            and dwelt in tents and tabernacles.

How they must have longed for those days of quail and manna even though they took it for granted and grew to detest it. 

                (Sometimes, I'd rather have quail and manna than darkness and silence.)

Four hundred years...they waited

        lamented

                grieved

                        longed for

                                hoped.

                                                   Then God

in the fullness of time

        not rushed 

                not pushed

                        not coaxed or guilted into it

fulfilled his promise....Emmanuel...God with us.

                                            That is why I will celebrate tomorrow. 

But today, Christmas Eve...I'm going to sit in the 

    hopes - unfulfilled

        the fears - because they are real

            the dreams - that never came true

                the unmet longings - that he put in my heart

                    the tears - because I love and have loved and lost.

Just like Good Friday...you can't skip over the death and burial to get to the resurrection.

                        

And, I know, that tomorrow, I will awaken to the cry of a baby born over two thousand years ago, who was sent to give me a reason to get up out of this dark space and walk in His light. 

And I will....