This is MY story

“Christians all too often apply grace to the offenders and law to the victims and then wonder why so many victims flee the church.” Boz Tchividjian

I am angry…yes…angry! I am angry at the enemy who can deceive so completely and convincingly that even ‘his’ counselor is caught in the web of lies and half-truths and smoke and mirrors…how ‘she’ has lost sight of the fact that she only has heard one side of a very twisted story from someone who is such a master of deceit, he was able to hide from the truth for decades. I’m furious at the enemy who does not want to be exposed and so shines the spotlight on everyone else so that the deeds done in darkness can remain there and not be exposed to the light. (John 3:19-21) (Call it a Jesus juke, but Truth is truth)

I’m mad at the enemy who can entangle two counselors in conflict so that the focus is no longer on ‘him’ but them…and me…and what I am doing wrong…how I am not responding correctly or how there is no dignity in sharing my story. I am angry that just as I feel like I am healing and moving on and putting distance between myself and the evil, accusations fly toward me. My mothering and my sanity have been called into question. My counselor’s wisdom and expertise has been called into question. My writing…the very thing bringing me healing…is put on trial. I have been asked to take down my blog. I have been asked to regulate my emotions. I have been reprimanded by ‘her’…someone who doesn’t know me, for the way I have responded to the pure evil that was uncovered in my home.

‘He’ has read my blog…at my permission, and ‘he’ is the one who shared it with his counselor...without my permission…not me. ‘He’ will probably read this one…and ‘she’ might read it as well. So to everyone who reads this, let me say…this is MY story and I will not be censored. Because the two had become one, 'his' story became my story.  It is not a story I would have ever chosen to write about my life, but I am thrust into the middle of it as one of the main characters. It is a horror story to me…it is a tragic story to friends…it is a grievous story to God…and it is truth…MY truth. It is not something I write to shame and blame…and for those who KNOW me…they know that.

I get to tell MY story, because God put all of life in the context of story. God tells His story to us to give us life. One of the chapters of His story is the fall of man…how sin…satan…man’s evil desires…ruined everything. How it continues to ruin everything and everyone in its path. He gives us gory details…things we would rather turn away from. We would rather sterilize it and put it in a context where it really wasn’t that bad. We don’t want to believe that David, a man after God’s own heart, had sex with a woman who wasn’t his wife, impregnated her and then had her husband murdered to cover it all up. But without the whole story, we lose sight of how scandalous God’s forgiveness and mercy and grace are. It’s easy for us to love the David who made a covenant with Jonathan or the David who had the faith to go after a giant with a sling and a stone. But we don’t want to look at the broken and sinful David. And yet, God gives us David’s story…in the midst of His story…so that we can see ourselves in that story. David’s story is a story of redemption, but you have to go through the hurt and the pain…the consequences of his sin…the loss…the public humiliation…death of his child…the grief of Bathsheba in losing a husband, her shame in carrying a life that wasn’t his….of rape (Could she really have said no to David?). We have to look at his sin to grasp why God had to go to such great measure to save us from the evil one…and ourselves.

We all…myself included…carry within us the propensity for such evil. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t chose to find comfort and love and affection outside of my emotionally empty marriage. I was so afraid of the longing that I knew existed in me, that I covered myself in fat to not risk being found attractive. Just like Adam and Eve, I hid. My heart was so hungry, so empty, so lonely, I knew that if anyone ever sought me out, I might not be able to resist. I asked ‘him’ to see me, I came out of hiding and confessed to friends, prayed for God to be enough, fed on His word, strengthened my heart with singing praise. And, by the strong arm of my Savior, I was carried through the fire and was not burned. I cannot be found guiltless in anything in my life…but because of God’s grace…I am found blameless.

Yes, I have written scathing emails…yes, I have had murder in my heart…yes, I have wanted to slay him with my words…yes, I have sinned in my anger…yes, I have wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt me and see the pain he caused. Yes, I have wanted to expose him to his family and his children so that they know the truth and make judgments based on whole truth…not partial truth…BUT I DIDN’T!!! YES, YES, YES…I am a sinner and I have not done this perfectly and I will continue to fall, fail and feel. BUT GOD…

So that’s why I tell MY story…because it WILL be a story of redemption…of God’s goodness in the midst of horror…of His ability to carry me through the most devastating betrayal anyone can walk through. And as my very wise counselor says, you cannot skip past the crucifixion and the 3 days in the tomb to get to the resurrection. This is my crucifixion. This is the 3 days in the tomb. This is the crucifixion of my marriage and I tell my story because at the end of the 3 days is life and life more abundant. God has given me a glimpse this week of the future he has in store for me. I don’t know that I can say that I have ever had a vision, but I believe that maybe I have now. God has given me a future and a hope. He put a song of praise back on my lips, for the first time in seven months, as I sang to the top of my lungs with arms lifted high for an audience of ONE. As I look to Him, my face is radiant and it is not covered with shame.

He has given me freedom to write and tell my story with the belief that sharing my pain could possibly unlock the prison door for some other poor soul whose life has been lived in bondage. There is dignity in MY story because I don’t have to manage the details and I have nothing to hide. I have allowed Him to shine HIS light on my sin…on my devotion to him…on my resolve to say ‘though you slay me, yet I will praise you”. I give Him permission to tell my story of my youth…my brokenness…my pain…my loss. I don’t need to manage it because He has redeemed it. He has used it and he will continue to use it because it’s not about me…it’s about how He saved me from the pit of hell and set my feet upon a rock. I give permission to anyone to tell whatever details they want to tell, because I have been crucified with Christ and therefore I no longer live, but it is Christ who lives in me. You cannot kill or harm what has already been nailed to the cross of Christ.

 As I have mentioned before, I have found the story of another brave, wounded warrior who tells her story so beautifully, she has given me great hope and comfort. She has inspired me to live authentically…to take off the shackles and come out of the prison of darkness and shame that belonged to someone else. She helps me see that I am not alone…that someone else knows how it feels. Every post leaves me feeling that someone sees my heartache…someone else writes my story…someone else understands. Leslie, you inspire me with Mybeautifullybrokenlife.com. Your last post titled 'Shabar and Ogygia' left me in tears over what we have been unknowingly exposed to. I will never be able to thank God enough for allowing me to ‘stumble’ upon your blog. Stay brave and keep telling your story…shout it from the mountaintops to expose the evil one and preach freedom for the captives like me. You unlocked my prison door and even though some want to put me back in that cell, I refuse to be imprisoned to what God has freed me from.

Dear sister, I love you, I pray for you and I look forward to seeing what God will do with your pain. He has already redeemed it in my life and I pray that MY story will join with yours in proclaiming the goodness, the greatness, the majesty, the grace, the justice, the honor, the mercy, the ‘hesed’ love of our Heavenly Father. I pray for the lives of the ones we loved and believed in to be restored, redeemed and reclaimed for the kingdom. I pray that we will believe that we are precious and honored in His sight and that He has loved us with an everlasting love. I pray for us, dear sister, that “we, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all of the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge…that we would be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:17-21